Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Mickey Morandini Medal of Handsome

This next award pays to tribute to by far the most handsome cub of all time. Mickey Morandini can be best described as an Adonis, and his picture perfect face will forever be immortalized on this prestigious medal. This years Mickey Morandini Medal of Handsome goes to

Jeff Samardzija

Dusty Baker Award

This next award is in honor of the most ridiculously aggressive manager of all time who is quoted as saying "You can't walk across home plate". Recipients of The Dusty Baker Award for Unprecedented Aggressiveness, must have absolutely no discipline at the plate, and no incredibly high strike out numbers. This years award goes to

Alfonso Soriano, for his 130 strike outs. Give him a hand folks!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Sammy Sosa Award

Sammy Sosa was my childhood, folks, and to me it seems only fitting that we give out this next award in his honor. Recipients of the Sammy Sosa award must put up excellent numbers, be extremely arrogant, and not be able to speak English very well. This years award was a toss up between two players, but after much deliberation, The Sammy Sosa Award for Arrogance and not being able to speak English goes to...

Carlos Zombrano

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Corey Patterson Award

Our first award is a very prestigious one. For years, a young prospect by the name of Corey Patterson was hyped as the Cubs savior. "Patterson has been called Kenny Lofton with power, but a better comparison might be a faster Griffey. There's a chance that there really is nobody to compare him to." this coming from the highly respected Baseball Prospectus think tank. Yes, things were really looking up for the cubs,what with Kerry Wood coming back from Tommy John surgery, a certain draft pick by the name of Mark Prior who was supposed to be the perfect pitcher, and cub fans were hearing nothing but good things about another up and coming talent, by the name of Bobby Hill, and to top it all off we had our knight in shining armor, Mr. Corey Patterson. Being Cub fans, we ate it all up and placed ridiculous amounts of our hope into these rising young stars. Unfortunately fate had other plans. Bobby Hill didn't pan out and it was beginning to look like Kerry Wood would never return to form. Sure this stung a little, but not to bad, for their was a feeling in the air that Corey Patterson would have his break out season, kick starting his hall of fame career. We waited six long years for that season, and in the end it never came. Eventually we had to cut our ties with Corey, but in an attempt to make sure he will never be forgotten, we have immortalized his legacy in the creation of the Corey Patterson Award. An award to be given out annually to the player whom we feel exhibited the most Patterson like promise only to yield the most Patterson like disappointment, and the first annual Corey Patterson Award goes to...

Aramis Ramirez for his lackluster post-season best characterized by his .000 post-season batting average, following what was a sensational regular season. Congratulations Aramis, you've earned it!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Post-Postseason Awards

First off, I would like to dispel any rumors of our deaths, by assuring our fans that we are alive and well. These are calamitous times, Cub fans, but fear not, for this is not something we can’t handle. We Cub fans are a tough breed, hardened by the repeated trauma, induced by years and years of exposure to the annual collapse of the cubs. We Cub fans will do what we do every off-season: We’ll pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and assure ourselves that next year will be the year. The sun will come up tomorrow guys; in fact, I’d be willing to wager a bottom dollar on it, if I knew what the hell that was. So, now that we have gotten that out of the way, it’s time for this comic to embark on her maiden voyage into the uncharted waters of our very first off-season. We will be doing this by starting, what we hope will become an annual event. Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time to hand out some awards